did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
