Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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