Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
