I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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