i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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