Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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