i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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