He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I smell like Dick and happiness
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
