do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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