Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
