Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
