Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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