he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
