Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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