weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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