Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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