what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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