Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
