sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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