You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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