Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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