Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im about as happy as oj after his trial
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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