But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Text me some of your sweat
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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