NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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