Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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