you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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