I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
