Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
