I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
