There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she peed on how many people?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
