You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
