Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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