there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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