Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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