saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
