I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
