oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
