So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
