just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
