We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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