seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
