when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
