I want to make a zoo with you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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