I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
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I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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