Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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