My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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