I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
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Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
His nipple licking is glorious
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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