he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Someone came in the potted fern
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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