my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
