Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
