and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
