So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
