does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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