a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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