So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
