The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
