dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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