Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
