Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
