you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
