I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
