he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
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It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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