If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Terrible idea I love it
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
